Heartbreaks can be extremely ugly and devastating that sometimes, no– almost every time, you’d rather just be dead. Regardless, it can still be a beautiful source of probably the most meaningful life lessons. I know this may sound really self-serving and entirely subjective, but here are some of the many things my heartbreaks taught me and the beauty I found in every bit of it.
1. We should not give more of what someone doesn’t already appreciate
I usually give more of something because I felt that what I was giving wasn’t enough. I do this to a fault that I am already giving the person the power to define what was enough and the option to leave nothing for myself. But, I realized that someone won’t ever value receiving more of something they don’t appreciate. Not because it was meager, let alone not enough, but because it was not what they needed. You can choose to give them all you have, and still end up being unappreciated or worse, taken for granted. Probably, because it’s not what they need from you. Though it is not entirely their fault, you just weren’t on the same page.
2. It’s not the person that hurts us, but our expectations
I know this is such a cliche, but it is true. It is never the person that truly hurts us but our expectation that they ever will not. The same goes with how much we give to the person; we give and do so much with the expectation that they would also give and do as much. Although it is indeed a challenge not to give as much as you genuinely can but don’t expect to receive the same of what you gave especially when they never asked you to do so in the first place.
3. Do everything WITH love, not FOR love
I have always been an anxious lover. With that, I mean I selflessly empty my cup to fill someone else’s because I feel the need to constantly show them that I am worthy of their love. I thought doing everything FOR love was gonna make me receive love the way I gave it. It was my way of being seen, of being valued, of being chosen. As a result, I had to learn the hard way that doing everything FOR love is desperation and will only deem you more unworthy of it. It’s doing everything WITH love that is key to a more secure relationship that first begins with yourself. We should have a paradigm shift on how we see love. We should give love because we have so much of it for ourselves and we would like to share it with others rather than giving love to receive it back for ourselves.
4. We do not have the right to demand to be loved, but we all deserve to be treated right
Not everyone will be there to fight for you, but you should be there to fight for yourself. Relationships have their highs and lows and you won’t always love the person you’re with every day and vice versa. But, it is never an excuse to forego the bare minimum and be okay with bread crumbs from the relationship just because you love the person that much. They may not love you back as much but they should at least treat you the way you should be treated. Exhaust whatever you can to save what there is to save, but let the other person do their fair share of the battle. If they don’t or won’t, by all means, raise the white flag. Remember: If they want to, they would.
5. Healing from pain is entirely your own even if you’re not the one who caused it
Sometimes, we think that it is the person’s responsibility to heal us from pain just because they’re the ones who caused it. That’s not true. Although the person’s efforts do a great deal of help and play a very transformative role in the process, our healing is entirely ours and solely depends on us. Pain is never caused and taken away by the same thing. However, If you’re lucky it didn’t end in a breakup and the person loves you enough to be willing to help you go through your process of healing, you’ll have a greater shot at healing beautifully; and this is only if they also want to salvage the relationship. Nonetheless, healing is not linear and you’re allowed to go around in circles as many times as you need. The more important thing is to trust the process and to keep going.
6. Forgive the person but never forget the experience
You can’t hate someone you once truly loved. It is not even possible to entirely stop loving that someone; you’ll only learn to love them differently. But you will learn to come to terms with the fact that it was what it was and it wasn’t because one of you was a worse partner than the other. Be thankful for every heartbreak and person you were with. Every heartbreak is unique and is served to teach us different lessons.
7. There is beauty in brokenness
Not all broken things lose value. Just because you are broken or currently breaking, does not mean you cease to matter. Your brokenness may even give birth to a much greater value of who you are. Pain and suffering are what break us, but they sure could also make us. It is in breaking that we achieve true catharsis. And as a result, emerges wisdom and a more profound understanding of our self-worth and self-acceptance.
All in all, some ugly endings can unfold beautiful new beginnings. I could go on and on in giving you many more beautiful things in heartbreaks and the list might not even end there, but we’ll never truly decipher relationships or fully fathom life. All we can do is to welcome it and embrace what it gives us, even if it leads us to fall, fail or break with the hope that on the other side comes our rise, success, and the journey to being whole again.
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